On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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