What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
