i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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