I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
