non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
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I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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