i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
