I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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