Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
