I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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