Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
