At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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