If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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