Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
