just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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