Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
