If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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