Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
