I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.