I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
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You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
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On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.