Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.