hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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