so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
