I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
how drunk are you?
Several
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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