Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
