he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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