i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
