This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
