I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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