and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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