I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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