mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
