I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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