After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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