Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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