i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
