You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
