I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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