if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
