Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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