***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I checked into jail on foursquare
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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