we have officially lost it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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