In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
