there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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