it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
