So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
