It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
