I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
