My friends, they love my intelligence
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
