the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
