i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My butt remains clenched, sir.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
