tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i love accidental penises.
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he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
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I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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