I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
