i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
