Betty ford says i'm here all night
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
