There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
