The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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