I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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