My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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