I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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