I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
