I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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