the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
