That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
