It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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