Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
