Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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