.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
